A Letter from the Citizens of the United States
Category: General
Tags: Zombie Apocalypse, Mr. President, Save the World
Dear Mr. President--
In the interest of individual preservation
and the success of the United States as a world power, we the American
people must insist that our great country has a comprehensive,
plausible plan for the coming Zombie Apocalypse.
It is coming.
For
decades we have prepared as a country for the possibility of a hostile
nuclear attack, biological terrorism, another world war, and natural
rebellion from the Earth itself, yet the Zombie Apocalypse has been
studiously avoided. What will the undead insurgency be if not a
terrifying combination of these very real threats? We as a people
deserve to know that we are protected, that the government values our
lives enough to at least consider our defense options as a nation.
Together, with a plan of swift action and brutal force, the Zombie
Apocalypse can be stopped before it consumes the globe in a gruesome
holocaust. Together, the United States of America can save the world.
This
is a serious request, and to laugh it off is not only ignorant, but
suicidal. Surely you, Mr. President, have a secret underground bunker
to which you can retreat when the horde is released, but will you truly
be able to sit comfortably with your family--assuming they make it with
you alive and uninfected--while your nation shrieks in mass terror and
pain above your heads? While your nation dies, will you be able to live
with yourself and your lack of appropriate action, when the signs were
obvious and the warnings clear? Will you be able to live, physically,
when your food stores are depleted, the pipes run dry, and you yearn to
feel the sunlight once more, only to be the sole survivor in a world of
ravenous undead?
You won't, Mr. President.
Researchers
from the University of Ottawa and Carleton University are seriously
studying the Zombie Apocalypse, and their team has recently developed a
mathematical equation for an outbreak of zombie infection. Their report
details the basic model of a zombie infection, a latent infection
timeline, and provides numerical analysis for three possible plans of
attack and defense. The results are grim. In two of the three presented
scenarios--Quarantine and Treatment--humans are either completely
eradicated from the planet or exist only in low numbers, co-habitating
with the undead. In the basic model and the latent infection model,
humans are quickly murdered off, leaving no chance for survival
anywhere on the planet. The only plan that offers any semblance of hope
is Impulsive Eradication, or a swift and strategic destruction of all
infected. The paper concludes with a sad prediction, the "doomsday
scenario: an outbreak of zombies will result in the collapse of
civilisation, with every human infected, or dead." Canada has realized
the threat, Mr. President. The United States must now prove that it is
legitimate.
Your nation needs a plan--you need a plan. If
only the swiftest of attacks can truly stop the Zombie Apocalypse from
consuming the world--literally--then that is what we need. This is a
plea, Mr. President, from your people, for our lives. For your
children's lives, for your wife's, for your life. We have our
own plans already, but we cannot win on our own. The Zombie Apocalypse
is your opportunity to demonstrate the power and dedication of your
nation, to prove that you truly deserve that Nobel Peace Prize. The
Zombie Apocalypse is your opportunity to save the world.
The world needs you, Mr. President. The world needs a plan.
Sincerely,
The Citizens of the United States of America
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